Oct. 9th, 2011 08:14 pm
jemyl: My orange male cat, Brudder (Default)
Well! If you want to get reactions from your friends and family, post to facebook, dreamwidth and livejournal when you are in the midst of glucose unbalance depression. If you put out there your feelings of being alone the reactions will be brutal. I found THAT out last week.

One friend went so far as to call me a liar and pretty much not worth dealing with because I went back to a payday loan place to avoid dealing with the whole foreclosure mess. Did I make an error in calculating how much money I had and how much I owed that month? Yes, of course I did! Otherwise I wouldn't have gone to that place.

Did I try other ways to get the funds? Yes! of course I did and because I had paid my electric bill already, the things for which I needed the funds were not eligible for charity help, if they even had any money left at the end of the fiscal year for some of them.

Did I hate to get back into that payday loan rut? You bet your sweet bippy I did! I really didn't see any other way. I'm not so stupid as to not get the amount it costs to get money that way, or as to how hard it is to get free of them again will be.

Do people really not understand that to use payday loans is and was a last resort? Do they not get that I really am so poor right now that any odd or extra expense can be devastating, that I don't have any credit or credit cards, only debit cards, that if I cannot pay for something now I cannot get it until I have the cash on me or in the bank to pay for all that I buy? Is that concept really so hard to understand?

I am anxiously awaiting the results of the blood work Dr. Banik had done last Wednesday. I hope it will hold the key to why I have no energy and why my back is so sore. If all is well, then I have to suck it up and work to find a way to live with the pain as it is then from arthritis. That means I have to work through it with my exercises until I can get my muscles strong enough to not be affected by the arthritis.

If that is the case I also will have to learn ways to work around the sore places. I have always been an active person. I am NOT ready to stop doing things now. Not being able to do things because of not having the money is enough of a limitation. I don't want arthritis to be another.

Still and all, the social workers and case managers who are supposed to be helping me need to do their jobs. Perhaps I need to get a doctor to order the help I need. I don't know. Something has to give so that I can live decently, with a reasonably clean home and cut grass in the yard. For Suwanee River Economic Council to stop yard work chores and bug spraying as well as housework help is just plain wrong.

They say it is because I can walk and they have too many bedbound folk who need the help. OK, if that is so, then by golly find me another agency in the eldercare system that can help me. I shouldn't have to give up my home because I can walk and am poor. That just plain sucks and is wrong on so very many levels!

My family is another sensitive issue. My elder natural daughter helps me all that she can. She is partially disabled herself, a "gimp" at the age of fifty who still does all she can to help me. My other natural daughter does all she can too. Her husband is a "gimp" who works freelance and they have three teen and preteen children to support. Both of my girls also live in areas where housing is very expensive, along with just about everything else. That is where the jobs are for their skill set and both of them work outside their homes. I know that were they closer to me they would both be over every week to help me clean or sort or to cook me something special. That is the kind of people they both are.

I have had two people suggest I get an apartment. I said no to that to both of them. First of all, my mortgage is less than $200 a month. Even with the late fee it is less than $220. Taxes mean saving about $60 a month and insurance is another $40 a month if I don't include theft or let the mortgage guy just insure it for the mortgage amount. That means I pay a maximum of $320 a month for "rent."

I have checked and apartment rents are at least $500 a month for anything decent enough to be safe. I would still have to pay my electric and phone as I do now. My electric bill averages about $100 a month except in the summer when it goes to $150 for one or two months. No matter how I calculate it, I am still "rent" money ahead to stay here and when I can start earning enough to double pay my mortgage to shorten the time I have it, I will still be less than I would have to pay in a rental. Heck, the little single wide mobile homes out here in the country on either side of me rent for $550 each and they are not much. Plus the renters have to pay both gas and electric since their cooking is propane. My place is all electric.

When I combine the financial non-savings with my dislike of apartment living and the fact that I would have to get rid of my pets more than likely, I choose to stay where I am. I have shorter walks to tote groceries and stuff as well as the company of my feline friends and good neighbors who look out for me as best they can. I also have the fire dept. folk who check on me regularly to be sure I am alive and kickin'. LOL
That is actually a good thing and something I would likely have to pay to have done somewhere else. I have seen such services offered, for a fee.

What I most want people to get is that I like my life here. I am, for the most part, quite comfortable and most of the services I need are close by, grocery stores, a bank, drug store, doctor (now) and the activities I enjoy. The library is also close. All of the above are readily available either four, seven or, at the very most, nine miles away. Even box stores are only twenty-five miles.

Recreation is also fairly close. Even theme parks are only forty to 125 miles and both coasts are only about fifty miles.

The weather is temperate. We do have several days at 90 of above (Farenheit) in the summer. Winter, however, is usually about sixty most of the time with freezes rare and usually limited to a couple of days a year in January or February. We also have all four seasons and both rain and sunshine on a regular basis. It is lush and tropical and perfect for me, not too humid and not too dry most of the time.

Well, that is why I plan to stay here as long as possible. I only need a little help with the yard and heavy cleaning to make my life very pleasant indeed. If it is not to be, well, I'd rather be here and struggle to keep the floors and lawn done than live in an apartment somewhere until I am forced to and need an assisted living facility. I'm a long way from that, thank goodness.

Yes, I get frustrated when I cannot get things done as soon as I want them done. Yes, I am a diabetic and sometimes suffer with the depression that comes with that disease, especially when blood sugars get too low. Most of the time I catch myself and recognize the depression before I talk about my low feelings to anyone. A week or so ago I didn't. I posted both on livejournal and facebook just how low I felt. (The low didn't last long, by the way, just a day or so.)

That is what brought down the storm of criticism from my friend, and, I suspect, also from my younger daughter and/or her husband. She didn't call me this weekend, the first time she has missed in many months. Perhaps she was very busy or they were off on a trip, but that has not stopped her before. I get particularly worried because I know that she wanted to get down to see Stan's mom before long because of some health problems his mom was experiencing. That puts them on the Interstate near here as a possibility and there were some really bad accidents with vans similar to theirs near here and in Georgia this weekend.

I think I will call her for a change. It will put my mind at ease, even if she is angry with me. Since it is now after 8pm their time, I had better get to it. Thanks for letting me rant and question a bit. Peace ----Ellen
jemyl: My orange male cat, Brudder (Default)
With Ravan's help I think I will be able to dodge the immediate bullet, i.e. the threats of taking my property through a tax sale. Once we buy a bit of time I think I will be able to sell some of my larger items on Craig's list and find my old wedding rings and a bit more gold to sell to get the lawn cut and such. I tried to find my old jewelry box out in the garage boxes yesterday, but it was way too hot at 100 degrees in the shade to do it. I don't have lights in that part to search at night so it will have to wait until a day that is a bit cooler and I maybe have help to move around the boxes to find the right one. There are two areas to look at and the boxes have started to fall over so it can be dangerous since they stack way higher than my five foot one half inch frame. I will find that jewelry box though and take the stuff into Gainesville or Ocala to sell sometime around the middle of September, just after payday.

Each day I work to do one thing to help change the situation --- study, sort, check for writing jobs I can do on the online sites, even look up some of my stuff on eBay to see what I could likely get for it there and how much the listing would cost. It all takes time and it is worth every bit of it.

Today I went to my new doctor. I like him and learned some things. I have to go back next week for them to do blood work and to have my UTI checked. The doc says that it is possible to get rid of MRSA. That is opposite what I was told several years ago at Shands. They said once a carrier, always a carrier. I hope Dr. Sharma is correct because some of the things I don't let myself do now I would really like to be able to do again with a clear conscience.

Now, great as Ravan has been as a daughter helping me to figure this out, her younger sister has been about as upsetting to me as anyone could be. She has decided that I should plan on selling my place an moving into an apartment in either Gainesville or Ocala since I can't take care of the place (i.e. the lawn and save for the taxes) anymore. She says she found an apartment for $500 and if I sold this place I would probably have enough from the sale to pay rent for five years or so. Mind you the mortgage, taxes and yard work now total only $300 a month and when I can get another vehicle I will be able to afford that with not much problem. The way real estate is going here now I would be lucky to come away with the $30,000 she was figuring I would get BEFORE I paid for packing and moving what stuff I had left.

Then there is one overriding fact for me. I really, really don't like apartment living. I didn't like it thirty years ago in San Jose and I sure as shootin' don't like it any better now. A walk up would be murder on my legs and knees unless I had a first floor unit and that is just plain dangerous in either of those cities. Then there is the distance from parking to the apartment which must be traversed in all kinds of weather situations lugging groceries and anything else one wants to take inside. We haven't even talked about my three kitties yet. One of them is not declawed and is an in and out cat which wouldn't go in an apartment. All in all, I think I'll pass on that idea, at least for the foreseeable future. Where would I airbrush? Nupe! I'm definitely not ready for that yet.

That's where things stand right now. I haven't seen either of my girls for more than 15 hours since 2005. Ravan takes time to ask me what I want and we work out a plan. She gets it and leaves me with my dignity. Christine treats me like a child. She feels she has to dictate to me exactly what I should do. Sadly, when I say no to her ideas she gets upset. This time she doesn't have any money with which to help me. When she did have it, she said she could help but I would have to show her exactly how I spent my money and she could tell me to change it if I wanted her help. I know both girls love me, and I find Christine's way of solving problems demeaning. I know her heart is in the right place, but her solutions consistently involve my giving up my freedom and rights to make any decisions and show a complete lack of understanding what is important to me, of who I am and what I want to do with my days and nights.

I have to go put out the garbage and recycling, add some to the litter and go to bed. I am very tired as I was up at 8 this morning and have been going strong except for a one hour nap late this afternoon. Schlepping around in 96 or more temperatures with the heat on full blast in the van didn't help any either. Peace ---Ellen


jemyl: My orange male cat, Brudder (Default)

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